If Only
by Iggy - Essence of Angst
Summary: What if the one you loved did not want to live? Oneshot scene from the two different perspectives.
1. If Only

**If Only**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha. **

_Note: The ending is not meant to be direct.

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It has barely been two days.

She kneels for hours, praying to the spirit of the little brother she had loved so dearly. She asks for forgiveness.

Forgiveness for what she could not change before the final life that kept her going had been extinguished. Not for lack of trying. She had done too much. I told her that myself ever since Kohaku had lain in her arms, never to wake again.

Ihead outside to the cemetery to tell her that she needs to eat something. She has not eaten anything. Her life means nothing to her now that he is gone.

I can tell she is hurting. It is obvious to all that her endless pain cannot be understood, not even by the ones that are closest to her. Her head is bowed and her hands are in her lap, although not in a direct praying position. As I kneel down next to her, to see if she is alright, I notice something.

A shard.

Clenched tightly in her fist is a shard of the jewel. Dried blood is still coated across it, and the edges of the shard dig into her skin, drawing a thin line of blood which steadily drips off of her skin to the cold ground. Little by little. She does not care. The physical pain is nothing compared to what she has lost. She has not let it go. Not quite yet.

For it still symbolizes the end of Kohaku's dead existence, and the fragile hope that she carried for him. She hoped he could live, even as she knew he could not.

She does not want to let Kohaku leave her again though she knows she must, and she refuses the possibility of a future without her little brother even if she has survived.

Therefore, death is her answer.

She is welcoming it with every passing second, every minute, each day.

I ask her again if she is alright. She does not answer, but continues praying, her eyes closed, her form as still as if she has died.

In a way she has.

The only life that she cared about, the life that motivated her to keep going, is gone. Forever.

And with it, all her pain, her emotion. Her tears, her anger. Everything. She is silent.

She is nothing but a human being devoid of life now that her hope has been utterly destroyed. What _about_ me? Do _I_ mean nothing to her?

I do. Just not as much as Kohaku did. Nothing can replace family. If only her family had not been destroyed, maybe she would not have been the sad, quiet person she is, longing for just one chance to make things right, and now, wanting death to take her from her lonely existence.

Although she kneels beside me, not looking at me, showing no reaction to my presence, I know she is gone. She knows I am here, but at the same time, it does not matter. She can only find everlasting comfort in a place that is beyond my range.

Finally, after an agonising moment of silence, she opens her eyes, still not looking at me, but at the grave that bears her brother's name.

Her cracked, dry lips part slightly to speak in a quiet whisper, which I strain to hear.

"I'm at peace, Houshi-sama."

If only.


	2. Soon

**Soon**

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Inuyasha.

_Just a quick note: This is in Sango's POV. I tried to make the paragraphs sychronize with the mood in If Only, but it didn't work out too well in certain parts. Enjoy!

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I am unsure of how much time has passed.

I have been kneeling by my brother's grave for endless amounts of time.

Houshi-sama has stayed by me every day, but if he has said anything regarding my brother, I cannot recall what it is. In fact, I cannot recall much of anything that was said or done after my little brother died in my arms.

What? I don't need food. I don't need anything. When did I last eat?

I don't know.

Does it even matter anymore?

I cannot feel any hunger pains. My legs are completely stiff from being in the same position for so long. My hands are cold, and so is my body, though I barely notice as I stare unseeingly at the flowers surrounding the grave. Such pretty flowers. Why must they cover Kohaku's grave?

I close my eyes, wanting to deny the truth, wanting to deny it all.

Houshi-sama questions me about something. Although I do not know what he is saying, the sound of his voice brings me back to the edge of reality. For the first time in hours, maybe days, I feel something other than the wind blowing across my face and the cold ground of which I have not moved on, the ground that has the presence of death.

A shard. It cuts into my skin, drawing a thin line of blood which drips steadily to the ground, darkening it. I am aware of it, yet I do not feel it. It calms me, though.

It is the last connection to my little brother, Kohaku.

He died. But he is not completely dead. I have the shard, I can bring him back to life!

... only to watch him be dead again.

Then I can die with him. I can be with him once again. My soul will finally be at peace.

I do not cry. I do not feel, so I cannot cry.

My existence is now meaningless.

Houshi-sama does not need me. No one does. Father and Kohaku died. If I had acted quicker, maybe things wouldn't be the way they are. Because I did not prevent any of it from happening, they suffered.

Because _I_ did _nothing_. I have nothing to live for.

Houshi-sama is beside me. I do not have to look at him or hear the familiar rustle of his robes; I can sense him. He silently offers me any possible comfort, but it is not enough. Nothing can take away the pain of knowing. Knowing what happened, and knowing things will never change.

Things will never be the same again, and I silently curse myself for allowing it to happen this way.

Finally, after an excruciatingly long moment of silence, I open my eyes. I still keep my gaze averted from the monk, fixed instead at the grave that holds the name of my beloved brother.

I open my mouth, my throat so dry that I can barely speak. I manage a strained whisper.

"I'm at peace, Miroku."

Soon.


End file.
